||[Nov. 6th, 2006|09:51 pm]
Egh. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those entries that I write and erase and rewrite and erase and re-rewrite, etc. until eventually I'll come to the conclusion that I just don't know what to say.
Things aren't 'just happening' the way that they were supposed to. And I'm feeling really depressed and discouraged. And also very confused, because while I'm not particularly happy here, I'm starting to feel more and more that there is no reason for me to go back to Salt Lake in six months. Except to be with my family. Is that a good reason? I know I should stop thinking about it so much and just see what happens. It has, after all, not even been a month.
I keep deciding that the big reason for my current unhappiness is that I don't work. This could be very true, or it could just be rationalization. I do strongly believe, however, that I would be doing a lot more if I had the money to do it with. I've wanted to, I just haven't really been able to. Not without the burden of my financial situation looming over everything. My friends take good care of me, but I know that sometimes it's because they feel obligated. I have so much guilt! I hope they know that once I am "rolling in it" (which I will be almost no matter what job I get, with rent so cheap and minimum wage so high) that I will indeed be spoiling the shit out of them.
I picked up a certain demeanor when I was hanging out with Karla (first girlfriend) all the time. I don't know how I feel about it. I think I need to tone it down. I don't really know how to go about doing that, though, and how to incorporate new behaviors without freaking people out. I could manage to pull on a completely different persona overnight, but I don't know that that's the best way to approach a personality change. Hm.
In other news... Sigh. Kendra (ex-girlfriend) has a new girlfriend. And it isn't Becca. She's 18. (Kendra is 25). I haven't been around in her life much at all since we broke up, but I know enough to know that it's FUCKING WEEEEIRD!! But it's exactly what happened when we got together. I was 18. We sent eachother a couple emails and went to Queer Prom together, and that was it. And all her friends had the same "wtf" reaction. But I showed them! And now here I am living with her brother's ex-wife and best-friending her youth-hood friends. So I'm trying not to hate either one of them. The thing that bothers me, though, is the whole "I'm breaking up with you because I really just don't want to be in a relationship right now" bullshit. And the whole "I'm giving it a year, I can't be in relationship until January of next year" bullshit. And all the other bullshit that is Kendra. But I loved her anyway. Psh.
I miss my family a lot. I'm going home to see them for Thanksgiving/mom's 50th/my 21st. I think it'll be really good for me. I also think that I'm not going to let anyone else know that I'm there. Maybe Karla, Jess, & Joey. That would be all. Strangely enough, I have no desire to see the rest of the SLC kids. I guess that's a good sign.
Sorry I'm not cutting.