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Polly

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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2006|08:47 pm]
Polly
[mood |blahblah]

Today, I hate Seattle. Today is one of those days where I would like so badly to be back in Utah playing WoW in my comfy room, paid for by my comfy job, living my comfy life, with the security of knowing exactly what tomorrow and the next day and the next month will be like. Today I'm questioning why in the world I ever decided to do this. Today I'm wondering if I really have what it in me to pull this off -- or if I really even want to.
Tomorrow, I'm flying back to Utah for five easy, irresponsible days. I hope that one of two things will happen. Either I'll have a nice, relaxing vacation, allow myself some time to breathe and collect my thoughts, and come back in five days all fresh and ready to get on with my life here; or I'll be reminded of why I hesitated to make the move in the first place and come to the conclusion that I'm much better off in Salt Lake, if under different circumstances. The former is much is preferred. The latter would be tricky. But it would at least be conclusive. Right now everything is so crazy and confusing, it's almost too much. I desperately need some normalcy. I need shit to settle. I never imagined it would take so long to get going. I'm starting to wonder if I ever really will.

I guess that's all for now.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2006|02:22 pm]
Polly
I'm happy to report that life in Seattle is looking up. I am finally employed, twice over. I work sort of on call for a home-based business selling personalized Christmas ornaments online. I draw dots on letters and package the ornaments for shipping. It's actually pretty fun. It doesn't really feel like work. It's kind of like volunteering, only I'm getting paid. It's $8.50 an hour and they list me as a contractor so they don't take out taxes. I just let them know whenever I want a paycheck. So that works out great for rent. Then I work nights at Chocolati. It's technically only temporary while Brittany goes to work at the post office for six weeks, but Patrick hopes to be able to hire me permanently after she comes back. Last night was Brittany's last night and my first. I had a good time working with her. I'm a little nervous about working with other people, but shit's easy enough, I should be fine. Pay there is also $8.50, plus tips. I'll be crazy busy for the next six or so weeks, but the money will be great. I'm excited to really get things going. I'm craving routine like mad.

Since I moved up here, I've spent, I think, the majority of my days and nights in Seattle with Brittany and Jenny. This is partially because I love spending time with them and I love their new apartment with its great view and indoor swimming pool and everything within walking distance and I love being in the city. But it's also because I pretty much can't stand living with Jenica. I'm beginning to see all the reasons why that particular living situation was a really, really bad idea. What's interesting is that many of them are the same reasons why I thought it would be a really good idea. She's the one who asked me to come live with her -- she talked me into it! -- and now I constantly feel like I'm putting her out by being there.

Jenny and Tom just came home. I'll finish this rant later.

That last line is kind of funny after what I was just saying.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2006|08:49 pm]
Polly
[mood |stressedstressed]

Yesterday started out to be a really shitty day. I woke up feeling depressed enough already, I got *another* parking ticket, and found out I didn't actually get the job I assumed I had. I was really excited for it.
But after having a complete emotional breakdown, I did a search on craigslist and sent a reply to a posting for a job packing personalized ornaments for someone's in-home business. I got a call back within a couple hours, and by 3:00 I was scoping out my new work place. That's me being optimistic. I've been starting to sound like a broken record, but I really think that I have the job. For reals this time.
On my way home, I got a call from Brittany just to check up on me. I've never had a friend do that. And she all but insisted on paying the parking tickets, since she was partially responsible for both. It's an offer that I can't not accept, but it'll be hard and awkward for me, and will just add to all the guilt I have about other people paying my way with everything. That will just make it more fun for me, though, to help them out and pay them back for everything once I'm able to.
After talking to Brittany, I nice long chat with my parents. It was really good. I miss them so much.

Back in Salt Lake, when things were "normal", if a day had played out similar to this one, I would have been happy and glowing by the end of it. A bad day with a happy ending typically does wonders to lift my spirits. But the stress of things is really kicking my ass right now. Quite frankly, I feel like shit. And, under these circumstances, I won't be able to feel wholly great until I've cashed my first paycheck. Let's hope that's only a week from now.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Nov. 6th, 2006|09:51 pm]
Polly
[Tags|, , ]

Egh. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those entries that I write and erase and rewrite and erase and re-rewrite, etc. until eventually I'll come to the conclusion that I just don't know what to say.

Things aren't 'just happening' the way that they were supposed to. And I'm feeling really depressed and discouraged. And also very confused, because while I'm not particularly happy here, I'm starting to feel more and more that there is no reason for me to go back to Salt Lake in six months. Except to be with my family. Is that a good reason? I know I should stop thinking about it so much and just see what happens. It has, after all, not even been a month.
I keep deciding that the big reason for my current unhappiness is that I don't work. This could be very true, or it could just be rationalization. I do strongly believe, however, that I would be doing a lot more if I had the money to do it with. I've wanted to, I just haven't really been able to. Not without the burden of my financial situation looming over everything. My friends take good care of me, but I know that sometimes it's because they feel obligated. I have so much guilt! I hope they know that once I am "rolling in it" (which I will be almost no matter what job I get, with rent so cheap and minimum wage so high) that I will indeed be spoiling the shit out of them.
I picked up a certain demeanor when I was hanging out with Karla (first girlfriend) all the time. I don't know how I feel about it. I think I need to tone it down. I don't really know how to go about doing that, though, and how to incorporate new behaviors without freaking people out. I could manage to pull on a completely different persona overnight, but I don't know that that's the best way to approach a personality change. Hm.
In other news... Sigh. Kendra (ex-girlfriend) has a new girlfriend. And it isn't Becca. She's 18. (Kendra is 25). I haven't been around in her life much at all since we broke up, but I know enough to know that it's FUCKING WEEEEIRD!! But it's exactly what happened when we got together. I was 18. We sent eachother a couple emails and went to Queer Prom together, and that was it. And all her friends had the same "wtf" reaction. But I showed them! And now here I am living with her brother's ex-wife and best-friending her youth-hood friends. So I'm trying not to hate either one of them. The thing that bothers me, though, is the whole "I'm breaking up with you because I really just don't want to be in a relationship right now" bullshit. And the whole "I'm giving it a year, I can't be in relationship until January of next year" bullshit. And all the other bullshit that is Kendra. But I loved her anyway. Psh.
I miss my family a lot. I'm going home to see them for Thanksgiving/mom's 50th/my 21st. I think it'll be really good for me. I also think that I'm not going to let anyone else know that I'm there. Maybe Karla, Jess, & Joey. That would be all. Strangely enough, I have no desire to see the rest of the SLC kids. I guess that's a good sign.

Sorry I'm not cutting.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2006|03:15 pm]
Polly
[mood |chipperchipper]

I paid my share of rent today. I still don't have a job, and I have just as little money left over as I knew I would. But it somehow feels like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Some of the stuff I was expecting to have to pay for ended up not happening, or being less than anticipated. So now it's all behind me, for the time being, and I can actually see what I've got to work with, instead of just imagining it. It's not so bad.
J called me to hang out. I can't remember the last time anyone called me just to hang out. That's a change for the better, for sure. So in about an hour I'm going to spend some time hanging out in Seattle, and I'm not going to worry about a fucking thing, because I know that I have money to spare and, for once, there really isn't anything better that I should be doing. How bout that.

Namaste.
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Sigh [Oct. 28th, 2006|04:02 pm]
Polly
I'm wondering how much my decision to move was driven by a desire to prove myself, that I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much. I am failing miserably. Perhaps humility will be the only thing I take from living here.

Actually, I'm being melodramatic. But really, this momentarily sucks.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2006|04:19 pm]
Polly
My head, I think, is too full and busy to get much out of it. Which is unfortunate, because I need it to find a job.

Anyway, here's this...

Continued...Collapse )

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NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! [Oct. 21st, 2006|08:06 pm]
Polly
The unspeakable has happened. My computer is malfunctioning. There was a power outage, and now it will only run in safe mode. Which means no more World of Warcraft for me until I can afford to fix it. So we finally got internet, but I still have to use Roomie's laptop. This sucks for several reasons, the biggest being that the hook-up is in my room, so Roomie has to hang out in here to use the internet. I might end up not caring most of the time, we'll see, but I found it bothersome when she was in here earlier. I really wanted to be alone in my room at the time. I find that to often be the case when she's around, already. She is all sorts of not the same person that she used to be. Which is fine, for her. I love her anyway, and I'm happy for her that she's been able to turn her life around. But I'm finding living with her to be... a little irritating? We just don't mesh like we used to. We're just on very different levels now. I hate to complain, though. She and her parents have pretty much made living here possible for me. Gotta take the bad with the good.

I have a ton to catch up on, but not really feeling inspired to write it all down right now. I'll come back to it at a better time.

Namaste.
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brb lol [Oct. 8th, 2006|07:11 pm]
Polly
Much to report. I can't wait to get all settled in and take some time to catch up. But in the mean time, I'm on hiatus for the move. Be back soon.

Namaste.
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(no subject) [Sep. 26th, 2006|07:44 pm]
Polly
[mood |indescribable]

Well... shit. Where do I begin?
After what was about the slowest week and a half of my life, things really picked up.
Friday afternoon I rode the bus to Seattle and met up with Roomie and her BF, and we went to... I forget what she called it. Hindu chanting. It reminded me a little of singing in church, which I loved. The energy in the room was amazing, and my own energy felt pretty great too. Afterward I met up with an old friend from Utah, B, at the coffee shop where she works.
"Would you like anything?" she asked me.
"Uuuuuummmmmmmm........ I don't know, surprise me," I said.
*gets excited* "Really?! K!" *runs behind the counter*
*comes back after a minute*
*hands me a cold paper cup*
I take a sip.
I laugh.
It's beer.
And so it began.

Continued...Collapse )

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